Things have been different between Matt and I. Ever since he moved in, we've been ever so close. It's such a nice feeling, yet it sucks we're still here. Matt's still waiting on a phone call from Naber. I hope it comes sooner then later my friend. 

So as we all know, I'm the smartest person when it comes to relationships. I've had my fair share of
heart breaks, and blunders in my time. I used to jump from relationship to relationship trying to get that
little thing that the other didn't have.I mean I cheated twice, yet that's in the past. I can't stand that crap anymore.
I CERTAINLY can't do that to someone. I know the messed up feelings before and after break ups. I couldn't
do that to someone. 

Matt and I broke up back in May. I know there isn't anymore us. He stopped caring months ago. I just stood around,
waiting and telling myself maybe one day he'd care again. I'm done standing around looking like a complete
idiot. I did everything I, as a person, could do for you. It still wasn't enough, never is with you. I sought comfort in
an old friend, an old ex. One thing led to another, more compassionate conversations started to emerge.
Still a person I was willing to do lots for, nothing he'd do for me. He informed me he was getting kicked out
again. What a surprise. Nothing will go from there. I really need to move on.

Its those lonely quiet nights that make you just sit and think about the past. You find yourself watching an overly cheesy Lifetime movie. What do you know, I'm bawling at the end. When do things start to get easier? It's the most over used word I hear all the time "It'll get easier/better".  The answer is, occupy the shit out of yourself. Work, movies, dinners, coffee dates, drives, walks, gym, beach, friends, parents, music, games, parties, and last but not least a good talk with someone that is important to you.

I don't put myself out there when it comes to meeting new friends, guys etc etc. I'm in no way or hurry right now.
I mean it does suck majorly when I'm stuck with people who have significant others. I'm the only one at work single. Man does that suck, "my girl/my guy/my husband & baby". It's nice to hear about the good things from relationships. Just sucks that I can't throw anything into the conversation.

The line your going to hear more of is....
It's just going to be me, for however long that takes....

It's weird how things turn out. How people try to lie when they don't want people to know or find out. Especially when it's family lying straight to your face.  Your more then likely to be caught up in it, so good luck. Matt has been acting rather strange, and I'm doing nothing anymore. He know's where I live, he know's my number, he can contact me. I'm am not going to follow someone who either doesn't want to be or even found.  I don't want to be given the run around story, I don't want to hear what you and your awesome friends did. They mean nothing to me, I never met them, and I never will. I don't want to hear about your awesome night at the boat, and how you lost. You know my feelings on the boat, why sit there and tell me this crap?  Other news, Mom and Claire are home from Wisconsin! It was so weird having it so quiet, but it was nice not  to be arguing with my mother every night. I just need to relax and sit back.  I deserve to go out and do something, instead of waiting for you.  You called me and told me you were going to the boat. I sat at home until I made some plans to go out. As soon as I walk out my door you call telling me your coming home. OK, I'm going out, have fun. Then I'm the  "Asshole" for not being home when you want to come over. Oooooooooooo I'm so sorry I couldn't take up the rest of your night. I don't care what you've taken, what you've done, or why your mad at me for no reason.  Your always going to do whatever you can to find your pills, and I'm not going to do what  I can to make you happy anymore.  When your bored is when you care. That's not how it works. This isn't called "When it's more convenient for you care relationship".

I am a faithful person, especially since I've been burned pretty bad in the past. Yet, you make it seem like we are nothing anymore. I'm just Annie, that person you fuck and leave.   I'm definitely done with that title.

what to think, what to feel, what to do.
I hate waiting, esp since I know it's going to be bad news.
I'm making myself sick, and I want to get this shit over with.
I want to drink, I want to find some drugs. I need to fucking RELAX!!
He needs to get his ass over here before I blow this shit completely
out of proportion.   I'm losing my mind.

No like he fucking cares, he's just worried bout his own ass.
If he says he kissed/fucked anymore. I am going to punch
that little piece of shit in my mouth. NO fucking joke.
I'm going to lose everything, and right now, i quit frankly don't give a FUCK.

I'm sick of being played for a fucking fool. I'm not a tool!

When I come down after a long night of drinking, or pills etc etc. It takes a toll on me. What do I want from this life?
To me, it's all bullshit one thing after another. No point in trying to succeed when everything/one shits on you.
I have done some things in my past. I am sorry. I am not sorry I expieranced any of it. To relapse and fall back into drugs. It isn't all peaches and cream.  It's just nice to feel an out of body expierance. I am mad however of the fact I crave them.  I could use some right now. Nowhere to be found.

I want to kill this pain, this empty feeling, these thoughts, the sorrow, the awkwardness. I wouldn't mind being high all the time. It just might make things more interesting.  Everything is such a fucking bore. Yes, I'm such a fucking loser for saying that, but fuck yourself. What have you become?  You've become everything your friends wanted you to be.
I might be drunk, but I know who I AM.   You've changed into such  a poser.

The things I've down/thought is far from what others think. 
Just be happy and go on with your lives....

The things I do for you.
The rules you give me.
Difference is I try not to break them.
If I break them, you're gone.
If I gave you rules, you wouldn't
think twice about breaking them.
It'd come as an everyday part of your life.
You obvisously don't care about me like
I do for you.

I may not be 100% stable
but eventually I'll get there.
I'm taking steps to help me.
You are taking none to help yourself.
It always comes down to me and my problems.
Nothing about yours.

I have the bigger mouth,
the stupid assumptions,
the first to blurt out how I feel.
I just feel as if you genuinally
don't  give a shit at times.



Two deaths in a week. Uncle rich comes into town for 2 days, and I don't even get to see him. My mom blows her insurrance money to get her teeth finished at the boat. My dad constantly yelling. The bills and collectors calling the house everyday.  The constant feeling of never being able to amount to anything. Priceless....

So as the day came down to the winding end, I realized it's done and over with.
No fixing, no begging, no tears, not even a goodbye.
Avoiding it all is such a hard task. To act like it never existed.
Devastates me.  In the worse way possible.
I feel like the biggest piece of shit.
I trust, I give in, I stand down my guard.
I need my wall around me 24-7 to save the people around me from
the outbursts. I don't know what to do anymore.
I can't stop the tears, the feelings, the images.
All gone. Never to be found.

All my old habits just stick out in my head.
Just relieve the pain, do it.
I wish I never got involved with anyone.

So, It's officially over.  I'm a wreck. I haven't showered in three days, I can't eat, can't focus.
Everything is so dull. I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm just hoping it's really not over. It prolly is.
I'm just getting my hopes up. Like I always do.
I just can't see it being over. Hopefully we'll talk tomorrow.
I can only hope.

I have never craved anything this much before.
I need that fix, that sudden burst inside my cerebellum.
To feel it all just fall off at each side and just have everything pause.
The non stop talking, that awesome feeling.
I'm addicted.
A new thing to replace that old thing.
I want it. Right now, I'm just imagining the feeling.
Trying to drink away that crave, it's not helping one bit.
I'm like a bomb ready to explode.
To see Katie and Jake just smoother each other bothers me.
Matt's birthday is only around the corner.
I'm just to broke to do anything. He doesn't even want me to come out.
I trust him, not just the people he hangs out with.
I've never met them, they've never met me. Yet, I can't meet them.

I realized today, Matt doesn't want anything serious.
He doesn't want the constant hassle of anything or anyone.
Right now, I'm not the best choice, nor in the best position to say
anything. All I can do is suggest, and possibly have a talk about it.

I'm slightly feeling the buzz from my cocktail.
Mitch,Jake, & Matt are playing xbox somewhere in the house.
jake pissed me off earlier, when I was trying to make something to eat.
He was putting beers in the fridge for my mom. "Want one". No jake.
"Want ONE!" NO JAKE!!! Wtf dude. Then I had Katie yelling at me,
i'd rather lose a finger then hear her bitch anymore.
She's getting so fucking annoying.
I just want to break free, and come back rubbing everything
in her fucking face! She's such a fucking CUNT!!!!!




I'm so lost and confused. My life is so pathetic and worthless, if you ask me.
Matt made me feel like total shit earlier. Just cause he sells some pills
on the side, that doesn't make anything besides get by.
Why is he giving me advice. I know he doesn't want to see me sick,
nor addicted to pills again. Yet, FUCK he hasn't been trying to get
a job. I have been the last 6 months. It's nothing but endless lines,
and rejection.  WoooHooo!

I've almost cleaned the entire basement. I'm the only one doing anything
around here. Katie didn't have a job for over a year, and she talks shit to me.
FUCK OFF BITCH! You have Jake providing for you, giving everything
to you. Your one lucky bitch, with a HORRIBLE fucking attitude!!!!
"You need to pay off your Jeep so I can get a car" Blah blah blah blah!!

I want to strangle that bitch! Matt found out today that his van is just
worth the money to junk it. It's shot. I feel bad for him. I know he loved that
death trap. He has the money to get a new car, but it's not  worth it.
He's not working right now. Don't know when that will start either.
I'm just hoping I'm not with someone like my mother.
Nothing but dead end lies, and nothing but talk.

I'd be soooooo disappointed. I at least try. That's all I have in the end.
I try, and I fucking try.  It never seems to be enough.

I'm back to the beginning of it all. I'm so sick of this empty fucking feeling. It just fucking pops out of no where. No matter how I feel at that point and time, I can't control it. I'll lose it, cry, or even just sleep for the pure matter of nothing that seems to seep into my brain. Chemical in balance you say? I say possibly, it's prolly just me in the end. Give me the meds, I'll gladly walk around like a fucking zombie then feel how hot hell is again.  I didn't like feeling so hyped up, and so mindless on that shit. Hence, I just abused it. If i was put back on meds, I'll do exactly what is wants me to do. What it wants me to be.

Last night, after the many cups of coffee I tossed and turned while Matt slept peacefully. I laid upon his back, and just couldn't stop thinking about everything.  Everything fucking hit me like a ton of bricks. I have problems, I gladly admit that. Yet, for someone "who thought they knew so much about me", to sit and talk shit, and threw all the blame on me.  It wasn't all my fault, I do admit I tore us apart.  So stop acting like your better then everyone. Yes, have your self esteem, don't shit all over mine. I have very little left, and I at least know I'm allot better then MANY people in this world.

Tossing and turning for over 3 hours. I'd close my eyes, same image would pop up. The many times I was actually able to hang out with him. Everything was playing through my mind like a fucking movie. Black, white, & sketchy.   The last time I saw him,  the cheesey smiley he wore either to make it seem like he was ok, or just to ease my mind. I had the biggest grin whenever I saw him. It was the weirdest night last night. Nothing really stuck out to make me think of him.  Maybe I was just thinking to much into it. Everytime I rolled over and tried to sleep, an old memory would pop up, like it was yesterday. As 6am rolled around, I was almost to the point where I was bawling my eyes out. I realized, yeah he would've been 24 this month. He took that chance and gave up what he had for a better life. I'm happy for you, it just really sucks for the people who are still here wondering why and what drove you to the edge.

I'm hoping I don't end up driving myself over that edge. What is really left worth living is the question we all have to ask ourselves. . .

What do you do when your past comes back?
Ignore it, talk about it, forgive it?
I'm in way over my head.
I don't know what do to. I don't like being second best, or just someone
to settle down for the time being. I feel so fucking stupid.
By tomorrow (4:06pm) I will know my answer. I will know what to do.
I feel so stupid and dumb. I'm so confused, my head is going to
explode. I just want to crawl under my blankets and sleep for eternity.
I am so stupid. Why do I think people can actually love this?
There's nothing to love here, all you can do is hate.

I know that now.

A well needed break is in full effect. He asked for it, he received it. I can only respect his wishes. I haven't talked to him in well over 24 hours. Which isn't like him at all. I normally get a phone call almost everyday.  Nothing today. I just hope he gives me a sign of what he wants. Either together, or not. That's all I ask for.  I don't want to wait around if he doesn't want to get back together.  I slept for only 4 hours last night.
I am dead tired. Seriously, I can hardly keep my eyes open. My knuckles won't heal. They only heal so far, until i bend them a certain way, and BLAM! It breaks open and starts to bleed.  I esp hate washing my hands lately. Feels like I just broke the skin each time. Ok, well it's 1039pm, and I'm off to bed. A first in, shit, at least 6 months.


~sweet dreams~

until we meet again in future.

Things just seem to get worse with my mother. I actually talked to her last night. I said some mean things, and told her the truth after all these years. I finally came out to my mother that I was addicted to a variety of pills. "I never knew." Well of coarse no one knew. I just locked myself away every friday night, and stayed in there for 2 days. 
No one ever knew. I only told a selected amount of people. Sarah didn't find out til around the very end.

I talked about all the money she spent at the boat. I told her we coudl've had two new cars, a new roof, new flooring, repainted walls. Nothing, it's all just sitting up at the boat.  She told me I shouldn't be like her. It's already to late.  I've been on and off binge drinking, I relapsed on Ritalin like a month/two ago.  Even Matt grilled my ass when he found out.  I haven't cut in over 4 months. So that's semi good.

I just told my mom she is killing herself. Work, home, booze,work, home, booze, work, home, booze, work, home booze, work, boat-booze, work, home, booze, work, small snack at work, home, booze.  I told her she is driving herself into the ground. She is going to kill herself, and we are going to have to deal with that, including my dad. I told her, if she dies before dad does. I most gaurentee he is going to commit suicide.  There's nothing keeping him here.  I told her if she doesn't clean up soon, I'm going to move out and she is never going to see me(kids if i have any).   She's like "I guess I can start at ground zero and try again".    I told her either try again, or just become ground zero.  Nothing but sorrow, a huge fucking mess, and all alone doing it. One or the other Joan.

.
Pick your battle. Hopefully it ends better then how it is now.

Day by day, I'm loosing just a little.
A little of my mind, I feel so trapped.
Some days I don't even see sunlight.
I lay in bed, to heavy and dizzy to get up.
I tend not to shower for days,
nor get out of my pj's.
     I just sit.
Stew about this big ordeal.
Everyone is losing in one sense or another.
Things tend to fall apart at the seems.
Something that was once to tight.
Loose from everyday use, and distraught.
How long can it possibly go on.
I see the world dying off, before anything
gets better.Hopefully things will be gathered,
and finally taken care of.




I just honestly don't think it'll be soon..







Today makes 4 months. I'm surprised by that.

Life is how we make of it. Instead of waiting for things to go wrong, I cause it all on my own.
Afraid to hurt in the end, I end it and hurt myself worse then he could.
I always give myself the benefit of a doubt. I bury my head deep in the sand and not listen, nor say
what is bothering me. I "broke" up with him. I said a sentence, and picked my own ending.
Yet, it's not what i want. Far from it. I need to flush these feelings out. Drown it for the time being.
Forget about feelings. All I can do is, is wait for it to be deleted out of my head. I just wish I had a second chance.

I can't stand this feeling anymore, i think i'll have a drink now.

I need to it to chill a bit. I fucking hate myself.

These things that linger. That never seem to cease. My heat is pounding from the yelling earlier.
I poured myself a lethal cocktail of level, at least more then half of this orange juice. My head is spinning...
I think i broke up with matt tonight. I'm not sure.  I kinda slurred it before i hung up on him.  I care about him, defiently.  I just feel as if i'm getting in the way of his "time".  Like i'm always pulling teeth with him.  

I haven't been this drunk, esp by myself in a long ass time.  I have placebo on repaet.  I'm addicticted to this song. I've heard it years ago, on Chris's cd, but I heard it again on kts pc.  SUch a goooooood song. I love the beginning, so calm and mellow.   New slang is also a good beginning.

I feel as if i'm drifting away from everything, and anything I once cared/loved. Im pushing agian. I just cna't help it.
I need to stop that. I really do. I just don't know where to start. It's always been a never ending thing with me.
I push everything good out, and surround myself with sadness. Its just a familair thing to do when I'm feeling blank and lost.  I don't want to talk about it, cuz no one understands me. No one does. THey might get a little bit of what i'm saying, but no one I know has been through what I've done to myself, to others.

i just hate the feeling i'm being used, despite what he says.  I read through his emails when he didn't signout the other night.  HE was emialing Jen, like october 24ish, about how they need to meet and get the first meeting since the break up.  I admit i had no right, but he didn't sign out. Not my fault.  Just emails fromthose two back and fourth. ABout meeting and going to see a movie since her parents don't likehim.

That just makes me think twice before i say anything. I want to tell him, but I can't, I dont' want him to thinki'm some pyscho.  Which i'm totally not. At least  i don't think  so.  I dont' stalk him, or harrash him, or beat him. I just hate waiting as i said before.   Just his drug use is kinda pissing me off, I stopped drinking allot cuz i liked being sober and hanging out with him. Yet he seems to have an urge to get high almost  everyday, every other is even.  I hated mark when he smoked all the time. 

I wanted to fill out an app at subway, and he tells me "Your too good for subway"
we'll excuse me, I can't make  $15+ doing labor, cuz no one will hire girls, so whatever i can get, i'd be satisfied, at least for now.   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



I'mgonna finish my drink, and sleep.

wake up to a million messages, cuz my phone is off

i don't want to think abotu anythign else tonight

So, things are little strange for me... Random people i haven't talked to in years, are now contacting me.
I haven't talked to her, like on the phone for YEARS! I texted her a few months back, for what, I think was I absolutely smashed. I got nothing, so I knew nothing was gonna change.  It's been nice to catch up on old/new times. She and her boyfriend have been going through some rocky times. Reminds me of my relationship with a certain person.  She says all they do is fight, and he just doesn't seem to care anymore.   Hopefully they can both break up muturally and still be friends.   That's the thing with my last one, it was a BAD break up. If it was alright, I think we could've stayed friends.  Ehhh oh well.

So her and I are going to go see Powerman 5000 on friday out in Mokena. Possibly grab some drinks, or dinner even.  I admit I've missed the shit out of this hoe. I'd really like to see her family again. I know they'd  totally flip and tell her not to hangout with me anymore. I'm not as sweet and innocent like they knew me 10 years ago.  Still no job, not even one effing phone call. Things really suck right now. I got my computer back, god how i've missed my music. That cd player is on it's last leg. Thank you Rash!!

Matt and I are doing alright I guess.  He just really pisses me off when he says he's gonna call me, and several hours later I call him. He's not home. He goes to a friends house to get high. I have no problem with that. Just call me and let me know that your leaving, and that you'll call me when you get home. Problem solved. I just hate waiting for people. Weither it's waiting to be picked up or waiting for a phone call. I HATE IT!  I try not to leave people hanging. I'm just tired of ruining my nights waiting for him, while I get invites to go out.


Hopefully my income check will be a decent amount. Mike said he'd sell me his mustang for cheap. It has a decent amount of miles on it, but its in pretty good shape. It just has some cosmetic issues. I just need a car.
My dad will never get rid of his van, nor let me drive it. Understandable, but I just wish I had something to drive. Everyone I know got to drive their parents/siblings cars.  I drive nothing. I haven't drove since my test.  Which doesn't really bother me, but IF i ever get a job. I'm going to have no one to take me. Dad won't go outside with more then an inch of snow, Katies at work til 2 everyday, Jake has been working 9-1030 everyday, and mom thats just totally out of the question. She drives to hell and back everydamn day. It's wearing her out, she spend like 3 hours a day in her car. I feel so bad for her.


Pogo burned her wiskers off. Silly kitty likes to play around my candles.  I really can go for some sex....
Stupid period, but thank god I got it. Crazy pregnant dreams. I guarentee I'll have my period next month, then it will go into hibernation until August/September. That's how it normally goes. My tubes are so fucked up.

I heard my father talking about Uncle Rich getting worse.  That's not a suprise. Depressing. I just wish he lived closer, not states away. I'd like to talk to him sober more often, which will never happen. That is one thing I wouldn't want to become. He is so sad all the time, doesn't eat besides a sandwich a day (maybe not even), and constant drinking. It's just nice to remember the times when Katie and I were little, sitting ont he twin bed in the spare bedroom, putting curlers in his hair. He is by far the coolest Uncle I've ever had. He used to come in and bring us boxes of goodies, oreo cookes, juice, crackers, etc etc.

Mom has been doing good with staying away from the boat. It's been possibly 2+ months. GO MOMMA GO!!!!
A week or two ago we all sat down and ate dinner together. Just Mom, Dad, Claire, Katie, and I. It was rather nice. We had chicken, and claire had us all cracking up. Claire kept talking about how dad is good at jerking the chicken, and making it taste good. We all laughed so HARD. My dad was like OMG. Claire is like what?
I had to leave the table, cuz I almost pissed my pants.

I've started journalling again in my Princess Bride book. Its weird reading back from years ago. Memories is all I have.  When I read back from a few days ago, I can barely read. It's all done so crappy, i just write and write, not caring If i can read it.  I should write more often.  I jsut hate writing, takes to much time.  I like typing, hence I tend to update this more then my journals.  Plus katie can't read this, well I don't think she even knows I have this. So they are semi safe.


Well, I'm bored, so I'm gonna go play Guitar hero. Matt expects me to be playing Expert in like two weeks. 
 HA HA HA HA. I play meduim on bass,I don't play guitar.  Yet, I could jsut give it a shot I guess.

Well, I'll talk to ya l ater Mr Journal.


as kip would say "Peace-Out"...

I'm so sick of this non stop bullshit. I feel like I can't trust anyone at this point in time.
My head hurts from all the yelling. I'm sick of doing nothing, yet this is all I can do until the
economy picks up.   I'm stuck listening to my sister lecture me about it.  Like she didnt' have a job
for over a year, she didn't even fucking try to get one either.  At least i'm trying.

stupid cramps.  my stomach is so twisted. I had another fucked up dream. This time, instead of having two horrible, i had a weird fucking one.  The other two took place when I'm pregnant, one with matts mother killing my baby, then the other one with my pregnant with twins, matt was cheated on me for like 2 months with his friend, he finally found out i was pregnant, i fainted at the baby shower, and hit my head, and only one baby survived. matt made a horible comment at the hospital "at least i only have to pay for one instead of two.  i woke up PISSED off. thank god he didnt' spent the night when i woke up, i would've pushed his ass off the bed. I told matt about my dreams, he's like "I never want to have kids, they are going to be addicted to crack/herion cuz he was when he was born, not like hardcore cuz i guess she cared a little and didn't do it all the time, so he said he's going to look into getting his tubies cut." He also said me and him would have the child of Satan.  I don't think so, but eh his decision.

The one that took place last night involved me losing my 4 bottom teeth.  I lived on a weird block, with a creepy old guy had a car with a 7 ft pole extended from the side of his car. I think it had like spray bottles connected to it.   I lived with Jamie's mom i think, she's like did you put your teeth in milk, it keeps them growing.   That's all i remember right now, i'm sure i'll remember more later.


I've been having horrible fucking dreams, for what.  I remember allot of them, crazy fucked up.  I'm going to have to start taking sleeping pills, I can't sleep, and when i finally fall asleep for not even ten minutes, my parents wake me up screaming at the top of their lungs.  I hate falling asleep after 8am.    

I helped dad with dinner the other night. It was nice to cook side by side.  He made the steaks, and I made the homemade french fries and onion rings.  It was nice to have a dinner with almost everyone here. Dad,Jake, Matt, Katie,Claire, and myself.    I laughed so hard cuz my dad was making fun of matt cuz he can't eat for shit.
Other news, Matt hasn't played the drums in forever. He's not happy about that one bit, but i understand where jake and joey are coming from.

I cut my hair, i need to dye it again thou. I didn't want to cut it, but it needed it really bad.  Jake starts his new shift soon, 2pm-2am, I feel so bad for him.  Yet he stil has a job, so thats all that matters to him. Sammy mounted Pogo last night, he stood by my door SCREAMING and batting at my door all night long. I thought it was pogo, but then i looke under the covers,and she's snoaring away.  I want to kill sammy! He is soooo annoying!!! Niggies is horning as well, she won't fucking leave me alone! I'm sick of sitting in katies cold ass room just to check my shit.  she is sooo annoying.

well i'm sick of this cold ass smelly room, so i'll finish whenever i get back online.

I think it's time to actually do something, then what I have been doing...
The basement got a decent amount of water from all the snow melting.
I'll have to clean that up tomorrow. My father is ubber pissing my off, he gets
so goddamn annoying sometimes. Pogo's being a hoe, her and sammy took off
her collar, and she won't let me put it back on. So I have a silent kitty stalking me
around the house. It' kinda eerie. KILLER KITTY AFTER MY SOUL!!!
Blah, I gotta do laundry again today. I'm sick of this room, it's so effing cluttered!!
I still have to find a ride up to work to get my check. Tmobile keeps calling me to pay it,
it's hard to do such a thing, when you have zero money. Go me.  How did this happen...
I've been applying everywhere, nothing, zip, zero, none......  Hopefully the 1st of the year
will be different. It prolly won't be. I got my bill from my october hospital visit.
$1,111.87     WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
So I'm over 3g's in debt. FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!
blergles.
it could be worse, way worse, so I'm not too bent out of shape from it.
Just pissed off at myself, and this decomposing economy. 
I don't understand how matt can be content with not working.
I can't stand not having any kind of purpose of getting out of my house.
I'm glued to my room 24-7. Hopefully the sheet metal test will be coming up
soon. I'm crossing my fingers that he'll pass the test, that's all he wants to
do is pass that effing thing.

Other news....I'm blonde....  The brown hair didn't suit me well at all. My
mother hated it, she likes the blonde better then anything else.
but, i'm gonna get going.
I'll update whenever I snag claires computer again.
toodles...

All today I have had this fuzzy feeling. It's just so random. Like everything is in slow motion. Nothing seems to make sense.
I've had to do a million double takes to make sure what i see,read, and hear is correct. I can't rely on my own judgment.
That's so sad. I feel as if right now, I'm emotionless. I feel the bitter cold inside, even thou I'm heating up outside rather fast.
I'm a blank canvas just waiting for the next painting to be drawn upon this stretched out cloth.
It's a little hard to breath today, as I hack up big chunks of mucus. how lovely. My hands feel a little numb, extremely warm.

I feel a bit down. I hate how it just hits me and random times of the day. Not everyday, but seems to feel like it.
I feel as if I'm wasting my time. Indeed I am. Yet, what specifically am I wasting it all for? Who? Why?
Sometimes I drift far from reality and just become an overplayed fairy tale. The stupid, never going to happen cliche.
Hence, I really hate any kind of non horror movie. It's all fake, stop filling your head full of bullshit.
No reason to watch them.

blah, i'm just going to go to sleep.
fuck everyone.